Being REAL!

I was clearing out old files on my computer just now and ran across a devotional I'd written and shared with the women at our church several years ago. It made me cry fresh tears...I'm still on the quest to be real! God keeps showing me areas of my life that I keep behind the mask...

Thought I'd share the devotional here...I pray it will be a blessing to all who read it!

Faith E-Free Ladies Tea - May 14, 2007

A month ago, when I was asked to share tonight’s devotional, the events of these last two weeks were not at all what I expected or desired to draw from. You see, two weeks ago tonight, I surprised my husband, Darren, with the amazing news that we were expecting our fourth miracle child. And, when I say surprised, I mean it…he truly had no idea! I, on the other hand, had walked through the following nine months a hundred times and imagined holding our baby in my arms. But, that is as close as I’ll ever get to her this side of heaven. You see, just three days later, I started to miscarry. I cannot begin to describe the pain…the absolute darkness that threatened to drown me. Having been down this road seven years before, I knew what was in store…and I did not want go there again. But, God brought this verse to mind…the grass withers, the flowers fade, crises come, but the word of the Lord stands forever! He is ever faithful…he is the great healer…the great counselor…he is almighty GOD…and in all things – even miscarriage - He works for the good of those who love him.

When Kristin asked me to give tonight’s devotional, my first response was, “No way! I’m not qualified. I’m not the one who should be sharing. Surely, if I say no, the real person God wants to share will step up.” But, knowing that God often works through my weakness and had been revealing some of the lies I’d been believing (I’ll get to that in a minute), I began to pray. That very night our Small Group lesson focused on Moses and his five objections to God’s call to rescue His people from Egypt. Knowing what God used Moses to do, despite his objections, I found myself convinced that I was the one that needed to step up. And, here I am!

God has been teaching some cool stuff over the last several months…about being real, open, and vulnerable with those around me. I am so very good at putting on a mask and leading others to believe that I have it all together. I don’t want you all to know the mistakes I make, the issues Darren & I struggle with, the times I’m harsh with my girls, the laziness and procrastination I’m trying to overcome, how often I take for granted the blessings that overflow in my life, the enemy’s lies I listen to. I’ve long lived under the lie that it’s better to just be quiet and listen – don’t offer – no one really wants to hear from me. God has a delightful sense of humor, don’t you think…because here I am…speaking and you all are listening to what I have to say. My prayer is that God will speak through me to touch your hearts.

Through all the years of believing the “don’t speak” lie, I longed to be a part of deep and beautiful friendships with other women. Now, that’s pretty hard to do without letting others see what’s truly going on in my heart and mind. Letting others in gives them permission to see the doubts I have about myself…that I wonder what I’m doing here…and why anyone would ever want to be my friend. My fear that I’m failing as a wife and mom…that I really don’t feel adequate to do much of anything, after all, I can’t even keep up with the laundry. Taking off the mask lets you see the lies I believe…and that’s what these thoughts are…lies from the enemy. The truth is that I am inadequate and imperfect…but I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ and through His strength, I can do whatever it is He calls me to do. The enemy knows this too…and whispers all the louder…he twists the truth and chips away at our confidence. He desires our complete and utter desolation and what better way to get us there than to force us into isolation. He knows the power of friendship, real, honest Christ-centered friendship; and I believe it makes him tremble with fear!

In Ephesians 4:15, Paul tells us we are to “speak the truth in love, and by doing so, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” I love how the Amplified Bible says it: “Rather, let our lives lovingly express truth…in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly. Enfolded in love, let us grow up in every way and in all things into Him Who is the Head, Christ.”

I have always looked to this verse in times of conflict - to remind myself to confront with Christ’s love and for His sake. I’ve come to realize there are also times when speaking the truth in love means taking off my mask and letting others see what’s really going on under the “I’ve got it all together” exterior. It’s amazing what happens when you speak truthfully to others about what’s going on in your life. Did you catch Paul’s words… “when we speak the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head!” How many times have I let my thoughts go unspoken, because I feared others would pity me or think less of me. But, Paul encourages us to speak the truth…speak what’s really and truly going on with us…and, in doing so, God joins the body together. When I hold back from sharing, I steal opportunities for others to see the real me…to see my struggles and realize they are not alone in their own…opportunities to pray for and encourage each other.

This past semester, God placed me in a wonderful Bible study and in that study and outside of it, surrounded me with women who are on a quest to be real. He began to answer my prayer to be a part of meaningful friendships…and is using these dear friends as an encouragement to share and be real. In God’s perfect timing, He allowed me to share the exciting news of our pregnancy at our final Bible study. The next day when I began to miscarry, I fought through my old pattern of silently dealing with crisis. Choosing not to sit alone in quiet desolation, I began calling my friends, and through my tears asked for prayer. They graciously allowed me to be real. They prayed with me (and continue to pray for me). They cried with me. They spoke God’s truth to me. They helped me to process what was going on. They pointed me to the scriptures for words of healing. They encouraged me. Many shared similar stories of their own. I wish you all could feel the amazing peace and joy I’ve experienced. This has been amazingly difficult and painful, but what could be a harsh, desolate pit of despair has been cushioned and lined with a deep, abiding joy. This, I’m certain, is how God intended it to be. Unlike the first miscarriage – 7 years ago – when I quickly put on my mask and emptily spouted phrases about God’s faithfulness…all the while not believing a word that came out of my mouth. I was angry at God for taking our baby…but I didn’t want to admit that to anyone…I didn’t want anyone to know that this Christian woman, who supposedly had it all together, doubted God. I believed the lie that no one really wanted to hear about my struggles. Back then, I thought it so much easier to stuff my feelings and put on a happy face. In many ways, this miscarriage has been more difficult emotionally, perhaps because I shoved all those feelings aside 7 years ago and now God is gently pushing me to process and grieve our first baby while grieving our fifth.

I’d love to say I’ve not had any of those angry, doubting thoughts this time around, but that wouldn’t be true. I’ve also been accosted by self doubt, wondering things like “did the ibuprofen I took the week before the miscarriage cause it? I must really be an inadequate mom…God knows it…that’s why he won’t allow the joy of another child.” And, believe me, I’ve been tempted to shut down and shove my feelings, emotions and thoughts deep down, never allowing them to see the light of day. I hear the whispers of “did you really need to share all that…they’re busy with their own issues and struggles. You are just too much, you’re taking too much of their time. You are such a burden.” Of course, the whisperer of these lies is the enemy (or as a good friend calls him – the rotten scuzbucket). Listen and be encouraged by the words of 1 Peter 5:8-9: “Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.”

So, I stand here, before you, being real, admitting that I don’t have it all together…that life is hard but full of joy at the same time. I’ve come to believe that people who experience life intensely, both the good and the bad, and share it with others are more fortunate than those who just drift through alone. For it is through these tough times, we realize the word of God stands forever. He will put us back together and on our feet for good. He will get the last word! May we will live truthfully and be real with one another, sharing our struggles, doubts and joys… all the while, being built up in love and growing up into amazing women of God.